Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
