A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
