I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
