I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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