shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
