Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
