are you still at the devil's house?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
