So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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