porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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