i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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