I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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