I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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