at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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