I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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