If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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