Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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