I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
