I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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