if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
