Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
