i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
