connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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