I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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