how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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