I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
