i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
