Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
