Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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