Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
