You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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