Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
