You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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