its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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