Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
