I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
