Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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