I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
