Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
