All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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