Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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