if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
