i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
