My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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