So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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