I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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