This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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