Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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