My sheets look like a crime scene.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
