First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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