Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
