I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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