dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
