are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize