guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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