She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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