My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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