I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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