The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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