be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
