Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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