we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
