why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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