I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
