I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
