i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
